How to talk so your child listens
Get down to your child's eye level, say their name, and name the feeling before giving an instruction. Then describe what you see, not who is to blame, offer two choices you accept, and praise by describing the effort. Short, calm sentences reach a 2 to 8 year old better than shouting or a long lecture.
Why don't kids listen when we shout or nag?
Usually it is not stubbornness. The way the instruction arrives is what closes their ears.
- Orders from across the houseA call from the kitchen gets lost under the TV and the game. Walk over first.
- Too many wordsA five-minute lecture gives a child too much to take in. One sentence, one point.
- An attack on character"Why are you always so messy?" makes a child defend themselves, not tidy up.
- Feelings brushed asideA child who is upset or angry struggles to listen until they feel understood.
- Empty threatsThreats that never happen teach a child that instructions can wait.
- A harsh toneThe AAP says harsh verbal discipline, including yelling at or shaming a child, can lead to more misbehaviour. Source.
What should you say instead?
Eight everyday moments in a Malaysian home, with the usual line and one to try.
| Moment | The usual line | Try saying | Skill |
|---|---|---|---|
| School morning, shoes still off | "How many times do I have to say it? We're late!" | "Shoes." | One word |
| Wet towel on the bed | "Why are you always so messy?" | "There's a wet towel on the bed. Wet towels make the mattress smell." | Describe and inform |
| Meltdown at the supermarket over a toy | "Everyone is looking. Get up!" | "You really want that blue car. Let's add it to your wish list." | Feelings first |
| Won't take a bath | "Bath, now!" | "Bath with the yellow duck or the blue boat?" | Offer a choice |
| Wants the park before lunch | "No!" | "Yes, after lunch we'll go to the park." | "Yes, after..." |
| Siblings fighting over the tablet | "Who started it?" | "Two kids, one tablet. That's hard. Any ideas?" | Solve it together |
| Crayon on the wall | "Naughty boy!" | "Walls aren't for crayons. Let's get a wet cloth and clean it." | Repair, not labels |
| Dressed by themselves | "Clever!" | "All the buttons are done, and your shoes are on the right feet." | Descriptive praise |
These five skills are adapted from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, in our own words. The lines above are our own examples.
What's the next step if your child still doesn't listen?
Move up one step only if the one before did not work. Keep your voice calm at every step.
Pause the TV, get to eye level, say their name and wait for them to look at you.
"Toys on the floor." or "Toys!" Nothing sarcastic tacked on the end.
"I don't like stepping on blocks." Honest, short, no attack on who they are.
A picture note for little ones. If something is unsafe, calmly move it and say why.
This ladder follows the order in the Faber and Mazlish book. If your child still does not listen, ask yourself whether the request fits their age, and whether the house could help, such as a lower towel hook.
How do you adjust the way you talk for ages 2 to 8?
The principles stay the same. What changes is sentence length and how much your child can take part.
Ages 2 to 3
- Three to five words. "Feet on the floor, please."
- Play works. A "hungry" toy basket wants to eat the blocks one by one.
- Two choices only. Red cup or blue cup, both fine with you.
- Name the feeling for them. They do not have the words for cross or disappointed yet.
Ages 4 to 5
- "Yes, after..." instead of "no". The same limit, easier to accept.
- Picture notes. A toothbrush drawing on the bathroom mirror.
- Wishes in fantasy. "I wish we had ice cream as big as this table."
- Race a song. Tidy up before the song ends.
Ages 6 to 8
- Solve it together. A 10-minute session for problems that keep coming back.
- Give information, not lectures. "School uniforms go in the basket before Monday."
- Write rules together. Rules a child helped write are easier to remember.
- Praise specific effort. "You read three pages without stopping."
Fewer words, more attention
One short sentence up close is heard better than ten minutes of nagging from the kitchen.
What should you do when you are about to lose your temper?
Every parent has shouted at some point. This checklist is for that moment, and for the one after.
- Stop before you speak. Take a long breath. Instructions given in anger are usually too loud and too long.
- Announce the size of your patience. "My patience is the size of a mung bean right now." Your child understands without feeling attacked.
- Step away for a moment. If your child is safe, go to the next room for a minute or two.
- Don't set punishments while angry. Punishments decided in anger tend to be too big and hard to carry out.
- Come back and repair. "I shouted just now. Let me try again." Children learn how to apologise from us.
- Look after yourself too. Sleep, food and rest are not luxuries. Patience runs longer when you are not exhausted.
If you often lose control, or worry about your child's safety, talk to a doctor or counsellor. Talian Kasih 15999 is open 24 hours. This page is general guidance, not medical advice.
Does this mean children can do whatever they like?
No. All feelings are allowed, but not all actions. "You can be angry, you can't hit" is a clear limit, and your child gets other ways to let the anger out: talking, drawing or punching a pillow.
Faber and Mazlish argue that punishment is not needed at all, and suggest children repair their mistakes instead. That is the authors' view. The AAP advises against hitting children, but still suggests calm consequences and a short time-out, about one minute per year of age, after a warning.
For families who value manners and respect for parents, this approach does not clash. It is firm without humiliating: the limits stay, and so does the child's dignity.
Free ebook
Want 30 ready phrases to stick on the fridge?
Talk So They Hear You is a free ebook for parents of children aged 2 to 8, one skill per chapter.
- 30 phrases to replace nagging
- Scenes from school mornings, mealtimes, the shops and bedtime
- Five worksheets to fill in with a pencil
A5 PDF. Free, no email needed.
How does UrusFamily help?
Everything above works without an app. If your family uses UrusFamily, a few existing features help you say less. Daily routines turn the morning and bedtime steps into a checklist, so the list does the reminding, not your voice. House rules keep rules like "you can be angry, you can't hit" where everyone reads the same version.
Kudos lets anyone say thank you with a reason, which suits descriptive praise. The gift wishlist is a place to write down what your child wants without promising to buy it. For chores, see also chores without nagging.
Free on iPhone and Android.
Where do these ideas come from?
Book ideas are rewritten in our own words. Links checked on 29 October 2026.
- Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, 30th anniversary edition, Scribner, 2012. The authors' view, drawn from their parent workshops.
- American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org: What's the best way to discipline my child?, updated 2018.
- Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development: Talian Kasih 15999 (in Malay).
Questions about talking so kids listen
How do I get my child to listen without yelling?
Walk over, get to eye level and say their name. Name the feeling first, then give one short instruction or describe what you see. A calm voice and short sentences are heard better than shouting from another room.
Why does my child ignore me when I call?
The instruction often comes from far away, is too long, or arrives while the child is deep in play or a show. Pause the distraction, go to your child and wait for them to look at you before you speak.
What can I say instead of "no"?
Give information, or a conditional yes when you can, such as "Yes, after lunch we'll go to the park." The limit stays the same, but it is easier to accept because your child hears when the wish can happen.
How should I praise my child?
Describe what your child did, such as "All the buttons are done and your shoes are on the right feet." Specific praise means more than "clever" and tells your child exactly what to repeat.
Is it wrong if I shout at my child sometimes?
Every parent shouts sometimes. What matters is coming back to repair: admit you shouted and try again calmly. The AAP says harsh verbal discipline can lead to more misbehaviour, so keep shouting the exception.
Does this work for a 2 year old?
Yes, with shorter sentences. Children aged 2 to 3 benefit most when parents name their feelings, offer two choices and use play, such as a "hungry" toy basket that eats the blocks.